Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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