i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
