I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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