I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
