i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
