there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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