I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
