Are we in a gay sports bar?
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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