ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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