Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
