My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
FUCK WHALES
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
