I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Randomize
