Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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