I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
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