What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
