I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
