Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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