remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
this hospital has no fireball
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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