Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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