I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
