I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
39 Memes Anyone Who Cries When They See Their Bank Account Will Relate To
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.