I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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