I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
