whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Randomize
