He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
