He passed out mid-signature
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
