We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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