There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Randomize
