You just made me feel so damn special
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
