so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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