I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
