Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
