I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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