I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
