I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
