Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize
