These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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