So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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