You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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