i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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