I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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