my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
