If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Couch. On fire.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
