you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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