she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
