you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
