Can i not drive my cunt home
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Randomize
