booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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