If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
