i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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