I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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