dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Randomize
