I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
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