do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
