My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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