Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
