I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
