His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
